Goodbye, Mom

This picture is the last picture taken of me and my mother. This was at a hospital in St. Louis last year.

This morning I learned that my mother, Carol Colclasure, passed away in her sleep last night. I am shocked, saddened and very grieved. According to what I have heard, she died peacefully. We all knew my mother did not have much time left and even a doctor had given her a minimum of 2 months left to live. My mother was a very strong woman and has beaten the odds many times even after surviving the car accident she and I were in. She also survived cancer. She lost both of her legs in her lifetime but she never lost her fighting spirit. She was the strongest woman I have ever known and she taught me how to be strong and stand up for what I believe in.

Not too long ago, after I got the news that she did not have much time left, I wrote this in my personal journal:

""I have been praying for her every day but if it is God's will that Mom goes home to Heaven, then I accept this. Mom has been through so much hell. [Believe me, I was NOT being dramatic here, people.] And I don't want her to suffer anymore. I want her to be at peace, to be without pain and to finally have her rest."

Mom will have her rest now. She devoted so much of herself and her life to other people and now she can finally rest and be without pain. She is at peace and she is with God now. She is now a beautiful angel flying free and reunited with her parents and loved ones who have gone on before.

I love you, Mom. We all love you and will keep you in our hearts forever.

Rape and unwanted pregnancies

Sometimes I think I really SHOULD take a break from reading the news. Specifically, anything that has to do with politics.

I say that because I think maybe the whole debate over "rape rarely resulting in a pregnancy" has affected me too much. When all that fuss happened and it was in the news, I just shrugged it off like I do most of the stupid ideas politicians throw around. But it turned into a BIG issue and soon everyone everywhere was talking about it. It got to the point where I didn’t so much fume over the idiocy of it all (because, YES, a pregnancy CAN result from a rape! Rape is STILL sex!), I got angry over how men thought they had the power to decide what a woman could and could not do with her body (since all of this had to do with the issue of birth control and abortions).

Well, I really think that was getting to me. Especially after what I read in a book yesterday.

In a book I am currently reading, a woman shared a story of how a man came to her house and told her she was pregnant. He also told her the baby would be a boy. The woman did not know if she was pregnant but, after this, she went to the doctor and he confirmed she was less than a month pregnant. This made me wonder if the woman had been trying to get pregnant – maybe she would have known? But what if she hadn’t been trying? What if she and her husband had not been having intercourse and she was not expecting to get pregnant? What if she had been impregnated without being aware of this?

Well, as a writer, I always wonder such things. “What if, what if.”

Then last night, I had a strange dream. I dreamed about a bunch of women who HAD been impregnated without their consent. Somehow or another, they had been impregnated, and all of them were about to give birth. But something was wrong; the babies weren’t right. The pregnancies had put them at a serious health risk and had made their bodies EXTREMELY sensitive to the touch.

And somehow I knew these babies had been created for the sole purpose of genetic testing. Whoever was in charge of all of this were going to use the babies for research and testing, and that some of them might not live. These people were not there, but the women’s families were with them and supporting them as they cried out in pain before delivery.

That dream was really creepy. But it was scary, too. These women had unwillingly become pregnant. And it made me think of how some women are forced to become pregnant when they don’t want to be pregnant – like through a rape, for example.

I know that some women would choose to abort the pregnancy that resulted from a rape, but not a lot of women would do this. Some of them CAN’T do this. I know I would not do this, but only because I’m pro-life. They say that a child should not be blamed for a rape. It’s not the baby’s fault if it is the result of a rape, and should not be punished by having its life ended. Of course, putting the baby up for adoption is a very good alternative, especially with so many women out there who CAN’T have children but want a baby so desperately.

The dream made me think about that, especially with that issue going on in the news. What happens when a woman is impregnated against her will? Is it better to keep the baby or give it up?

I thought about that a lot today, especially asking myself what I would do. It really is a personal decision. And because I come from a family with siblings from a different father, I would not be against keeping the baby. Some people might think this is a bad idea, because what if the kid grows up to be a rapist like Daddy? Are we able to break that cycle?

As far as I know, I don’t know anyone who is the product of a rape. I know of a fictional someone, though: Olivia Benson of Law & Order:SVU. Then I think about that and how maybe a child who is the result of a rape may actually grow up to be a good person. Maybe we CAN stop the cycle. Stop the damage.

Or, here’s an idea: Get to the root of the problem and make it easier for a woman to avoid becoming pregnant because of a rape. Make it possible for women to ensure that such a thing will not happen to them. I like that idea even better.

Even stuffed animals need a vacation

For some time, we’ve been dealing with an army of stuffed animals in the kids’ bedrooms. If you have young children, you know what I’m talking about. It just seems like that pile of stuffed animals a kid collects just keeps growing and growing! That became a problem for Jesse, because the stuffed animals were taking over his bedroom.

When Jennifer was little, we handled her stuffed animal overload by bagging a good portion of them up and putting them in storage. But as Jen got older and started to outgrow her “babies,” I became concerned that she was missing out on the chance to enjoy all of her toys.

You can probably guess what happened next: I tore open those bags and set all of her other stuffed animals free! After being apart from them for so long, it was like Christmas for her. She was so happy to see her “lost babies” again.

And I didn’t want to separate them from her again, either. Her face just lit up when she saw them again, I didn’t have the heart to take them all away again.

But that happiness didn’t last. After a while, she just didn’t play with them again. Or even anymore.

Then, finally, she gave a whole bunch of them to her little brother Jesse.

That was a problem because now I had an even BIGGER army of stuffed animals in Jesse’s room. And they … were … EVERYWHERE!!!!

Up until then, I had been managing the stuffed animal armies in both of the kids’ rooms. Now I had an even bigger army in one bedroom! Eek!

Of course, hubby was of the opinion we should bag ‘em all up again. But I didn’t want to do that. Jesse is only 4. He still enjoys playing with stuffed animals and I wanted him to be able to play with ALL of his stuffed animals!

But we had to do SOMETHING!

After some thought, I made a decision: We WILL bag up the stuffed animals that Jesse doesn’t play with so much …. but … we won’t leave them bagged up forever. I decided we’ll do what Jen does with all of her books: We will rotate them. We’ll put some away for a few months, then switch them with the other toys for a few months. This way, he can take turns playing with all of his stuffed animals.

But how was I going to deal with any fear or anxiety that Jesse might have if I bag up his toys? What if he freaks out and thinks we’re getting rid of them or keeping them bagged up FOREVER?

Then it hit me: I can tell him that his stuffed animals are going on a vacation. Which is pretty much the truth.

So, I set about to go through his huge pile of stuffed animals. I got Jesse in his bedroom with me and explained the situation. I told him that it is time for some of his stuffed animals to go on a vacation, and he gets to decide which ones can go.

He asked me where they were going to go on a vacation to. Whoa! I hadn’t expected that. But I got all excited and told him they are going to Toyland, where they’ll get to play together and eat ice cream cones every day. He thought that was an awesome way to spend a vacation!

After this explanation, we got busy selecting the stuffed animals that would go and the ones that would stay. He was actually very engaged in this activity! He went right through all of the stuffed animals without any tears or worries – though after he gave a stuffed monkey a bunch of kisses goodbye, he changed his mind and kept it out. (Monkeys are one of his favorite animals.) Still, we got it done and he was happy to see the chosen stuffed animals off on a vacation.

And, surprisingly, he even wanted to get rid of some “baby” toys! We decided to put them in the yard sale pile.

I was so proud of Jesse for being tough through it all. He was very excited about sending some of his stuffed animals off to Toyland for a vacation and I could tell he wasn’t worried about if he’ll ever see them again, because he knows that in a few months, they’ll be right back in his room again. Then it will be the OTHER toys’ turn to go on a vacation.

And to think that we were almost millionaires

Every year, the Albertsons store has a “Sizzlin’ Summer Giveaway” game. Basically, you get game tickets with certain items at the store you buy and match the tickets to where they go on the game board available in stores. Prizes range from cash to automobiles to gift cards. The lowest cash amount to win is $2 and the highest is $1,000,000.

That’s right, one million dollars.

I played this game last summer and applied the tickets to the board as I got them from the store. We won $2,000 but, unfortunately, I lost the game board with the winning tickets before claiming the prize. So, no claiming the prize. Boo-hoo!

This year, I decided to give the game another go. However, I played it differently: I got the game board and just gathered a bunch of tickets, but this time I decided to wait before applying the tickets to their respective spots on the gameboard until the last minute.

Well, the “last minute” happens to be next week (on the 21^st, actually), so I decided to go ahead and start applying all the tickets to where they were supposed to go today. This, of course, took a LOOOONG time since we’d accumulated A LOT of tickets, but I kept at it. At one point, I got up from the table to help my son with something and I was drenched with sweat because I was so hot. I muttered “I hope we win an air conditioner” even though that isn’t one of the prizes. (Hey, a girl can dream!)

After I was done, I went over the entire game board to see if we’d won anything.

Guess what? We HADN’T!! Ugh! And I did all that work and sweated in that hot kitchen for NOTHING! Bleh.

I went over the prizes we ALMOST won, though. Almost as in, we were one ticket short. And here they are:

$10 cash

An Albertsons gift card worth $20

A $50 gift card from the Gift Card Mall

$100 grocery cookout

An Albertsons card worth $250

A $250 weekend getaway

A $500 REI gift card

And a cool one million dollars.

ARGH!! If only but for one more ticket!

Ah, well. Game over. Maybe we'll do better next year.

At least this year, I didn't lose anything.

"Follow your heart"

One way I like to start my mornings? By reading the news or checking out news programs on TV. Most of the time, I grab a cup of coffee and check in with some news sites I am subscribed to. But sometimes, I’ll still have some more coffee to drink after I’m done reading the news online, and that’s when I’ll check out any e-newsletters in my inbox. Or I may read postings in online groups I am a member of. So this morning, I had a bit of time to read before getting to work on one of my books. One of those newsletters happened to be the August issue of The Well-Fed E-Pub, a newsletter published by “Well Fed Writer” Peter Bowerman. (Peter wrote the Foreword for my 365 TIPS FOR WRITERS book.)

It was something Peter wrote in the editorial in this newsletter that made me nearly choke on what little coffee I had left in my cup:

Usually, I’m dealing with current or ex-journalists who just can’t shake the notion of the “subjective” nature of commercial writing (i.e., in many cases, you’re “writing to sell” and company’s product/service, or, at the very least, painting it in the best possible light). Versus its – ahem – purer, more high-born, and certainly more objective cousin: journalism.

Okay, so that’s a bit snarky, but in this polarized day and age of ours, the phrase “objective journalism” is rapidly approaching the level of oxymoron. And as our friend above notes, journalism is selling something as well – the newspaper itself.

For those hailing from the Fourth Estate who still struggle with this, who still believe that being a FLCW is tantamount to going over to the dark side, consider this: Writing effective marketing copy (whether a brochure, ad, direct mail piece, white paper or case study, for starters…) is nothing more than helping to put your client’s best foot forward.

It’s about figuring out what makes their product or service special, and crafting materials that reflect those conclusions. It’s not about lying, stretching the truth, wildly embellishing or any other similar nefarious tinkering.

That last part right there made me do a double take. As someone who studied journalism in college and wrote for a few newspapers, thereby calling myself a “journalist” even though I did not have a degree stating as much, I couldn’t help but take what he said personally. I have got NOTHING against copywriters or freelancers, believe me. And I just think it was uncool of him to say something was indeed “snarky” about journalism and, let’s face it, good journalists. (And I say “good journalists” because I know there are indeed bad journalists. Those who do the things that Peter said, such as lying and stretching the truth. Heck, there are even journalists who write articles that border on sensationalist journalism, even if they are writing for a city paper and not some tabloid.) This just really bugged me. I was shocked at first but then the shock wore away and I was mad.

VERY mad!

I was so tempted to send Peter an email and say something along the lines of, “How could you put down journalism like that??!!” I wanted to SCREAM at him! I was just so angry!

But ... I am one of those people who follow the advice of how if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything a all. And I was just too mad to say anything nice right then and there – not to him, anyway. (What was I supposed to say?? “Good on ya!”? “I agree” – when I don’t??) So I kept my mouth shut and just stewed over it.

Still, when I logged in at Facebook, I put this in my status:

“I am still reeling after reading a certain editorial in a certain newsletter I am subscribed to. I just want to scream at this person, "A journalist DOES NOT lie! A journalist, a GOOD journalist, does not 'embellish a story' or 'stretch the truth.' A good journalist reports the facts!" But then it made me realize, I'm not a journalist anymore. Well, as far as writing for a newspaper is concerned. It just really made me think about what I am missing out on right now.”

That last part took me by surprise. I just started typing my reaction and, sure enough, something kinda unexpected happen. My fingers froze over the keys. Realization dawned over me. And my heart gave me a gentle nudge. A nudge that said “Exactly!”

When the newspaper SIGNews shut down, I told people that I cried. I really did. I bawled my eyes out. Here was a GOOD newspaper I had been a part of for so long, one in which I was, yes, a REAL journalist! And now it was gone. I’m not a journalist anymore because I am a writer without a newspaper. Without a degree in journalism at that!

And ya know what? Something was definitely wrong with that picture. Something just wasn’t right!

When I was forced to stop attending college because there was no more money for it, I vowed that someday I would go back. I have NEVER forgotten that vow, even now, all these years later. I have always wanted to go back to college. I still do. I just REALLY want to do this.

Yes, I TRIED to do this before. But something always came up and it didn’t happen. But I never gave up! Someday, I kept telling myself.

Well, you know what? This year’s theme is “someday is today.”

It’s time to stop putting things off!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I should have stuck with my goal of getting a degree in journalism instead of deciding to get a degree in healthcare or a degree in landscaping only because those were jobs that would pay the bills. Nope! That’s not for me!

The degree for me is a journalism degree. My heart is in journalism. Always has been, always will be.

They say you can’t get a job with a journalism degree. Well, so what! I’m going to get that degree anyway! Because that degree will make me a REAL journalist even if I don't have a newspaper to write for at the time.

And even though I have not done the kind of journalism Peter numbered off in his editorial, I’m going to make sure that won’t be what everybody thinks of journalists in the future. I have not nor will I ever be a journalist who lies, stretches the truth or embellishes a story. Nope! And I am prepared to go out there and prove just that. (Wow, isn’t it nice how something negative ended up being something positive later on? Thanks, Peter!)

Of course, I realize that being a journalist, a reporter, is very demanding. You have to be ready to get OUT THERE where the news is at the minute it happens. You have to have nerves of steel. There are risks involved, as well, and it’s hard to have much of a “personal life” when you must be ready to report the news 24/7.

All of this made me think extra hard about this decision. This choice might affect how much time I’ll get to spend with my kids. And my kids mean EVERYTHING to me. It will be hard going from being there for them all of the time to being there for them some of the time.

But I know I must do this. I HAVE to do this.

And I know that if I do this, I will be teaching my children the message of how important it is to go after what you want in your life. I will be setting a good example for them. Don't give up on what you want just to be available 24/7 for other people. Live. Your. Life. There is MORE to life than being a stay-at-home mom or dad. I want them to know this and see this from me.

And, anyway, by the time I get the degree and can work, Jennifer will be old enough to be at home alone to watch her little brother.

I know I am not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. A housewife. The maid.

I know I MUST do something more in life. And I know this is a step in the right direction. This is what my heart is telling me to do.

Despite this resolve, I still struggled with how hard that change will be. I even started to ask myself if I was being selfish. Or if I should wait until the kids have flown the coop.

And, of course, there is also the fact that I am profoundly deaf. My experience with in-person interviewing was compromised in the past. I recorded interviews and my sister transcribed them. That would not work now. So, what would I do? Maybe have an assistant to sign to me? It was quite a problem that was causing me to doubt my resolve.

Then, of course, there's money. It's going to cost MONEY to go back to school to get a degree in journalism! A lot of money. And we don't have "a lot" of money. What then?

But then ... something else happened.

I logged into my email account again later on in the day, and there in my inbox was a notification from Facebook that someone commented on one of my status updates. It was Carolyn Howard-Johnson. I saw that and held my breath. I thought, Uh-oh. Did she know I was ranting about Peter’s editorial? I know she has met him and maybe she was defending him, or something. (And I even kept telling myself He probably didn’t mean it that way!) But when I opened it to read it, it said this: “Follow your heart.”

I had to reread those words. They just REALLY had a profound affect on me. They really moved me. I guess I needed those words there and then.

Carolyn was commenting on a different status I posted yesterday, but her words just really hit home with me.

The last time I followed my heart, in love, it did not end well. So I had to ask myself, you know, was I giving up? Was I just burying what I really wanted to do in life because I think it won’t happen??

Why not just take her advice and go after what I REALLY want to do with my life? Go after that goal? Just follow my heart and see where it will led?

Those words had such a powerful affect on me. They ended up being words I took to heart.

“Follow your heart.” That is good advice. And I think that is advice that I will take. (Thanks, Carolyn!)

I believe things happen for a reason. Maybe there was a reason why I took Peter's words the way I did, a reason why Carolyn posted that comment at that particular point in time. Maybe it was Fate telling me, Yes! This is your path!

I love it when Fate works like that.


Peter Bowerman's response:

The "snarky" reference was a description of my previous comment, NOT about journalists or journalism. Yes, I was taking a certain segment of the journalism trade to task, but was in no way, extrapolating for the entire field. I'd never do that, and I apologize if that's how it came across.

But, most importantly, I'm afraid you fundamentally misunderstood the section, "It's not about lying....nefarious tinkering."

I was referring to how many journalists view the commercial writing world: they believe writing copy is about lying, embellishing, etc. I was NOT describing journalists with that section. Again, I'd never make so brazen an assertion! ;)


Dawn here: I thought I misunderstood him. :) Sorry, Peter. But like I said in email, at least something good came out of it.