tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32006215.post8650413663051651112..comments2023-10-31T08:35:27.279-07:00Comments on Palms to Pines: Forgiveness and karmaDawn Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06291423272908722351noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32006215.post-84274646514864461632011-01-25T16:37:54.105-08:002011-01-25T16:37:54.105-08:00Nancy, that is so true. There are so many "ru...Nancy, that is so true. There are so many "rules" and guidelines about what forgiveness is or isn't. I just KNOW I have not forgiven what this person did. And I still get angry about it. He had NO RIGHT. And it's not the abuse; I have forgiven THAT. This is something else that someone did to me when I was a teenager.<br /><br />I'm really sorry to hear you are having those nightmares. That's horrible! I really, really hope that you make peace with that part of your past. I mean, you HAVE to, obviously. I have been praying for you.<br /><br />The letter-writing is an interesting idea. Maybe I should try that. I just tell myself that person is not in my life anymore, he lives far away from me and he can't ever hurt me again. And this is what I focus my energy on. But even still, like I said, I carry this around. And I just don't want to anymore. Hopefully, if I write a letter, it will help me to heal. I won't mail it, but if I ever DO see him again, I will give him that letter and be done with it. I guess I just need to vent. Maybe communication will help resolve that. <br /><br />And there is NOOO WAY I would ever do that to another person, even to my own children. I would never do that, because I am not a sicko like that and I know what it does to a person.<br /><br />They deserve a better life than what I had. Gotta make sure they get one. :) That is another thing to focus energy on, too!<br /><br />I never knew that about your mother. I am so sorry. I actually know someone who was abandoned by his drug-addicted mother. I hope that didn't open an old wound.Dawn Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06291423272908722351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32006215.post-78270266720156024792011-01-23T22:11:04.584-08:002011-01-23T22:11:04.584-08:00The nightmares have led me to gain 13 lbs in 6 mon...The nightmares have led me to gain 13 lbs in 6 months, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, can't exercise, can't be productive because my nightmares keep me up. <br /><br />Now I have to just write him which worked for a long time and didnt cause nightmares (I think its the sound of his voice?) I have to live with my memories and no amount of forgiving him will make them go away. I feel that God will understand if I just write him letters and call only occasionally. He probably won't though, so I will have to lie and make up a reason I can't call. Oh sure, I could say "talking to you too often gives me nightmares" but I don't know how to say it, I just don't. <br />So the reason for all this is to tell you that while you can forgive someone, it will not make your painful memories go away, it will not make your thoughts of this person become nice ones. You can dislike him, but still forgive him, and for sure it is ok to protect yourself from further injury. Forgiving him also means understanding why he did such a thing.<br />You know my mom was an addict and chose her boyfriend over me, and I do forgive her because I know why she did that, she was perpetuating the abuse done to her and was too weak to stop the cycle. My dad, same thing only it was a different kind of weakness, his was from weakness of brain. My mother was smart and nothing wrong with her but abuse beat her to a pulp and she began to believe the horrible things done to her and her kids were ok. My dad was mentally ill and his illness caused him to not realize the harm he was doing. <br /><br />Forgiveness also means one more very important thing. It means taking the hurt done to you, tossing it to the wind and never doing it to anyone else. If you can NOT perpetuate the abuse, and understand that while it may feel easy to you to not do that to someone else, realize it is not. The easy thing is to continue the cycle. The hard thing is to stop it and make a new cycle for your family to perpetuate, a good happy one. A cycle worth perpetuating. <br /><br />What I see in your column here, is that you HAVE forgiven this person. You understand why he did it, and you have a great family and would never dream of hurting someone this way, and you want to forgive him. The problem is that society has some strange "rules" for forgiveness such as 'you have to be able to love that person again'.wrong. You have to be able to 'invite that person to your home'....wrong again. You have to be able to hang out with that person, no. You have to be able to smile in thought about that person, no. <br /><br />None of these things is necessary for true forgiveness and memories do not equal a grudge. Dealing with what happened to you, understanding why it happened, and not letting it get you down, not perpetuating it, that is what forgiveness is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32006215.post-10684422086867022772011-01-23T22:09:10.936-08:002011-01-23T22:09:10.936-08:00Well this is a subject that is close to home for m...Well this is a subject that is close to home for me. As you know my dad has alot of things he should be sorry for, and there is much to forgive him for. Many years ago I chose to forgive him, and I told him that I forgave him, but that I could not have him in my life if he was going to continue to hurt me. He did not understand and so I had to cut him out of my life for about 2 years. I had forgiven him but this did not mean I had to continue to subject myself to his abuse. At about the 2 year mark he began to write me again and again I explained it all to him. He sort of ignored me so I used a new tactic. This time when he would write me, I would completely ignore the abusive things, and only respond by talking about my kids and the weather and small talk. This worked for a while, but my dad is autistic, no social skill at all and he needs repeated reminders which I dont mind giving, and I dont think its terrible to kindly tell him he is stepping out of line.<br />He is in his 70's and my grandma died last year. I felt at the time of her funeral that he was somewhat vulnerable since he has lived with her his whole life, and I mistakenly told him I'd call him once a week to check on him.<br />For a while this was fine, and he really minds his p's and q's but things slip in that trigger bad memories for me, things he discusses with such joviality that its hurtful. Still I thought I could handle it. But guess what Dawn, though I say "I can handle it" my subconscious can't do it.<br /><br />I have begun having nightmares about my childhood again and because of this I now have to find a way to NOT talk to him so often. Not because I don't forgive him, and not because I can't handle it, but because the real me, the subconscious me, says NO, you can't have this person in your life and be healthy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com